As per my last post, I just realized I’ve actually done a lot of outdoorsy spur of the moment stuff… like that time we climbed that mountain in Montalban to reach a grotto of the Virgin Mary, and we ended up in some random mountain farm because couldn’t find our way to the grotto anymore. That was fun, even though we all kinda freaked out a bit.

Natural Highs

I love how suddenly finding myself single again after so many years has opened up a lot of new adventures for me. The past 8 to 9 months has opened up my world to so many new experiences, and new people, and for this I am extremely grateful. I’ve come to believe that certain things do happen for a reason, and these are all–well, mostly–right reasons.

Sometimes difficult things happen to awaken parts of ourselves that we’ve kept dormant for so long. Lately I’ve been listening more and more to the kid inside of me, and I often find myself in awe of the smallest of things that I encounter everyday, and it all feels really good.

Two days ago I went on a trek with my sister and two of her friends. It was a supposedly 30-minute trek-turned-2-hours (4 to 5 hours of trekking all-in-all), and although we did not come prepared, we had the best time exploring Pinatubo. There is nothing quite like covering miles up a mountain, on foot, and in good company.

The closest thing I’ve ever gotten to doing something as extreme and outdoorsy as this was when Niev and I ended up joining our friend and a couple of expats go mountain biking (80% on a dirt road, mind you) in Pulau Ubin last May 2011. THAT was crazy intense, especially for someone who’s never tried mountain biking ON A MOUNTAIN such as our two girly selves.

The first part of the Pinatubo trek was the hardest part, probably because I kept wondering how much longer it would take for us to reach the crater. Once I got over my impatience however, it all became so much easier–such as in life.

I loved how keen all my senses seemed while trekking Pinatubo. With only my walking stick in hand and my itchy feet to guide me, I felt unstoppable!

Sometimes I would be so engrossed with the walk that it felt like I was on a silent moving meditation. One minute I’d be looking down at the rocky path and gauging my next step, and the next I’d be transported to a whole new view of the stark Pinatubo landscape. I loved every minute of it.

Trekking really does take you to a whole new level of high, and perhaps even another level of consciousness. Now I understand how people can get hooked trekking and climbing mountains. There’s nothing quite like looking at that never-ending trail, that exhilarating feeling of freedom and the idea of having limitless possibilities.

Tricky. Tricky Thing.

Retrospection is a very sneaky thing. It magnifies emotions you felt at a certain time, and leads you on to believe that what was merely just thoughtless, giddy behavior on your part was actually much more than that.

In a nutshell, it makes you feel and think about things that you shouldn’t even be feeling and thinking about.

Sometimes, for example, I reminisce about a boy in a bookstore. We talk for hours, sitting across from each other on individual leather couches, and I come to notice other details about him that I seem to have missed that time. Who knows if there’s even an ounce of truth behind those “missed details”, because now I’ve come to reminisce about the boy in the context of the things that I’ve found about him AFTER that moment in the bookstore.

The thing is I know I might just be romanticizing things–and I REALLY REALLY AM, REALLY–but I figure what’s the harm in that? I know I’ll probably want to retract that statement later should all this retrospection get too out of hand, BUT for now I’m quite happy in this little bubble I’ve created for myself and my bookstore memories.

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Hoodies and Pranela

I’ve been cooped up in the condo since yesterday, wearing an oversized hoodie and my striped pranela PJs. This is what you get from too many late nights spent with friends and running around doing errands on a rainy day.

Sometimes, too much of a good thing really does have its consequences.

Anyway, it’s finally 2012 and I’m pretty psyched about that. As life-changing as last year was, I wouldn’t want to find myself battling those same demons again.

They really did quite a number on me, didn’t they? Oh well. “All is well.” ALL IS WELL.

I’m pretty excited about this year. I have a couple of trips lined up, thanks to PAL’s awesome buy-one-take-one anniversary promo! This time I’ll actually be travelling to discover new places, and not just to go on self-imposed-exiles-slash-retreats (Those actually worked out quite well for me though!)!!!

2012 will be a year of indulging on natural highs. This year will be a year of swimming with the whales, jumping off cliffs, riding crazy roller coasters, exploring new cities (exploring the Philippines!) and climbing mountains!  This year will be a year for myself, spent with people I love–I don’t think it can get any better than that.

Men are confusing. They’re all basically boys dressing up like grown-ups to hide the fact that they do not have a clue how to act like, well, men. It’s the same with women, and girls.

Having been thrown back into the game of dating and all that shiz, I’ve come to realize how utterly clueless almost all singles are. Seriously. One pick-up line may work for one person, and be a complete miss for another. I remember thinking before how being in a relationship was hard work. Being single, apparently, is harder.

After everything I’ve learned about men and quite recently about HPV, herpes, hepa, etc., I can not imagine how people could just jump from dating one guy after another. Nowadays it’s not just germs we should be worrying about anymore! How can these things not scare serial daters?!!

Aside from all these viruses and bacterias, there are also questions like how, where, when, why, who…???!!!!

I’m panicking!!! (And I haven’t even begun dating yet. Hahaha) f&%$#$#$%F@!!!!

Before Sunset

I just finished a Before Sunrise and Before Sunset marathon, and I always come out learning new things every time I finish watching both movies.

One of the conversations that most struck me while watching it this time was when Jesse and Celine were in that tourist-y ferry boat. Here are a few snippets of the conversation:

You know, I think that book that I wrote,

in a way, was like building something.

So that I wouldn’t forget the details of the time that we spent together.

You know, like just a reminder that…

that once we really did meet, you know, that this was real,

this happened.

And, how can you say that? Because…

I mean, I always feel like a freak because I’m never able to move on like…

…this! You know.

People just have an affaire, or even… entire relationships…

They break up and they forget!

They move on like they would have changed a brand of Cereals!

I feel I was never able to forget anyone I’ve been with.

Because each person have…

you know,

specific qualities.

You can never replace anyone.

What is lost is lost.

Each relationship, when it ends, really damages me.

I haven’t fully recovered.

That’s why I’m very careful with getting involved, because…

It hurts too much!

Even getting laid!

I actually don’t do that…

I will miss of the person the most mundane things.

Like I’m obsessed with little things.

Maybe I’m crazy, but…

When I was a little girl, my mom told me that I was always late to school.

One day she followed me to see why…

I was looking at chestnuts falling from the trees,

rolling on the sidewalk, or…

ants, crossing the road…

the way a leaf casts a shadow on a tree trunk…

Little things.

I think it’s the same with people.

I see in them little details, so specific to each other,

that move me, and that I miss, and…

will always miss.

You can never replace anyone,

because everyone is made of such beautiful specific details.

Like I remember the way…

your beard has a little bit of red in it.

And how the sun was making it glow that…

that morning, right before you left.

I remember that, and…

I missed it!

——-

Oh, God, why didn’t we exchange phone numbers and stuff? Why didn’t we do that?

Because we were young and stupid.

Do you think we still are?

I guess when you’re young, you just believe there’ll be many people with whom you’ll connect with. Later in life, you realize it only happens a few times.

And you can screw it up, you know, misconnect.

—-

I miss conversations like these. I miss making connections.

In the spirit of (500) Days of Summer, let me tell you up front that although this is a story of boys (Yes, boys) meets girl, this is not a love story. This, instead, is just another blog post.

I have only ever loved two men–this is debatable–in my life (as of the moment). The first one was back when I was still in high school, and the second ended just a few months ago.

The first guy I ever loved was infamous for being a player, the second was a one-woman-man. The first guy surprisingly enough remained faithful to me (or so I was told), the second sadly did not end in amicable circumstances. No matter which way you turn the world around however, he was the one who taught me most about trust.

My first heartache taught me the pitfalls of loving. The second one taught me that my first heartache was no heartache at all, but a drawn-out infatuation over that “first love”. He also taught me how it was to really be in love, and to have everything you’ve ever trusted and stood for in your life tested and put to the most extremes of all tests. It was not anymore a question of trusting and standing up for that person, but for myself and everything I believed in.

I remember my “first love” and I think how naive my concept of loving was. It was, for lack of a better term, so absurdly high school. I think maybe I did love him, and maybe I was even in love with him, but it just did not compare to what came after him. Maybe love is fickle that way. You love a person right now and the world seems a happier place with him in it, but the moment things fall apart you hardly remember how it feels to be in love with that person, and your world surprisingly still can be a happy place without him and you just keep on moving. Eventually when one love story ends, a new one (after a year or two or maybe even a decade) begins. So you find somebody else you’re more compatible with, somebody who makes you happier even, you spend half your lifetime with him and you forget your last love completely. Then maybe this guy hurts you in some way, and the whole process of lost loves and heartaches begin again. This time though it’s harder to move on because you’re not anymore the same naive sixteen year old you were way back when. This time the whole cycle completely screws with your head big time because you’ve moved past defining love with silly high school fantasies. You’re all screwed up because you actually already got yourself a taste of the real world and in the real world loving equates to trust, commitment, fidelity, loyalty, etc. These things–these concepts–they do not come easily for anybody, and they sure as hell do not come easily to me.

Every relationship I’ve had that ended I’ve found bits and pieces of myself. There’s nothing like going through a catastrophic myriad of emotions to teach you all about what you’re capable of handling, doing and being.

As emotionally drained as I’ve felt the past months, I’d like to think I’ve actually started to get my bearings back. Sure I still feel those tiny spurts of hurt and sometimes even anger whenever somebody opens up the topic of my recent ex, but I know in time I will feel with him the same indifference that I have long since felt with Mr. first love (excuse me while I vomit *exits*). Such is the cycle of falling in love, and that gives me hope. It gives me a lot of hope.

Morning muni-muni

One of these days I will take the time to write down a longer entry with my actual words. For now let me just re-post songs and movies that really hit the spot for me for one reason or another.

And this I’m posting because I woke up with a bout of nostalgia that caught me by surprise. Hmmm. :l

Like Crazy

I’m gonna watch this!!!